Nerve endings

For some time now it's been getting steadily quieter as things that used to make so much noise in me relax and dissolve. I have noticed a lack of emotion during this period also. I haven't worried about that, just noticed. It feels like this is needed to give some space for other changes to take place. There is a kind of negative joy (by that I mean the lack of mental torture) but not a lot in the way of positive joy, beyond a sense of well being that is noticeable sometimes. But it's also worth mentioning that (along with many males of my generation) I have not generally shown much emotion outwardly (unless you count excitement) and for the first 25 years of my marriage my wife and family had not seen tears come out of my eyes. But as I say it does feel like there are changes going on steadily. I notice them but don't understand many of them. Sometimes it feels as though something important has been given to me but I don't what it is exactly. I don't try to get it but will instead sort of "swallow it" for later digestion in the same way I swallow food and the body does what ever the heck it does with it down there. I really have no idea how digestion works. I don't make it happen or stop it just as I don't consciously make the blood flow through the body.

I recently returned from a retreat led by Kim Eng on a beautiful and fairly remote island in BC Canada. In the morning we would do movement, including qigong and yin yoga. The yin yoga was very interesting to me. I loved the way she would calmly and quietly talk us through these very strong physical sensations (often referred to in shorthand as pain) as we gradually relaxed our mental resistance to them and the body would invite us to go deeper. As it is described to me yin yoga opens up deep connective tissues of the body that may be rarely touched in normal life. Kim mentioned a time in her past when she broke out in hives every day after doing some of these positions and so we should not be surprised or concerned by the arising of some unusual symptoms or effects.

After the morning session there was a break of a few hours before we would get together again and I felt like going for a walk. It was raining and blasting wind off the water but I put on rain gear and headed through the woods for a sheltered beach on the other side of this part of the island. Up to this point in the retreat I thought it was kind of interesting that I felt more lost in thought here than I had when I was at home (which had actually started to feel like a retreat itself in the week or two preceding). Here I was distracted. I suppose by all this new input and people but also distracted by my mind trying to get this or trying to be still for instance (as stillness was the theme of the retreat). The environment here is incredible and being around Kim is great but I was wondering if I was really getting that much out of the whole thing other than a nice vacation (and great food).

Anyway it was great to get a good long walk and arriving at the other side I was warm, (finally) feeling pretty relaxed, and due to the weather, I had the beach completely to myself. My pace at this point slowed way down. The beach here is small stones of many colors and lots of shells. The water in this area is actually the warmest, this side of southern California, and a certain kind of oyster here grows like mad. As I slowly walked along taking it all in a big oyster shell caught my attention. This was actually two oysters that had been joined together at the base and they came out from this point in a sort of wing like shape that had grabbed my eye. These guys grow big up here. These empty shells (the oysters no longer at home) were maybe slightly larger than the palm of my hand. When I picked them up they had this very satisfying heaviness to them. In fact as I turned them around in my hands the tactile sense or sensitivity seemed to increase. This thing struck me as perfect somehow. Half of one of the shells was gone leaving exposed this wonderful thick layer of mother of pearl but the other shell was slightly agape so that I could slide my hand in and feel the smoothness in there as well. The outside of the shells were equally interesting all crusty and knobby with fair sized barnacles growing on them. The way the whole thing was shaped was somehow just perfect for holding in my hands and I found I just couldn't stop turning it around and around feeling it and also kind of pulling and squeezing as the side with two halves that was slightly open had this enormously pleasant springiness to it.

The whole experience was almost completely tactile and I began to notice a rather strong feeling of craving or hunger as I was almost greedilly drawing as much as I could from this thing with my hands. I just couldn't put it down! Then this thought came to me. The thought was:

"Oneness (all there is) needs me in order to be able to feel this. Without me Oneness couldn't experience this".

With this thought came this swelling wave of poignancy that was overwhelming because right behind it was the thought that Oneness needed me in order to experience all the things I have experienced in my life. Everything! Including all the pain and sadness, all the longing. The feeling stuck and bored or getting pissed off, afraid, or embarrassed. All the infinite little unamable feelings and moments that went by hardly being paid attention to like the picking up of some greasy little bottle cap on the side of the road, the way an attic smelled when I opened the trap door, or that drink of water when I was really thirsty. The times I acted and felt like an asshole to loved ones or was mean to an animal that was not doing what I wanted. All the messes I've made and the confusion but also all the moments of kindness and the way I am struck dumb by the beauty of this scene in front of me. Without me Oneness would have no way to experience this unique view from this unique angle. All the *#&!ed up bits were absolutely perfect because Oneness is greedy, it wants absolutely EVERYTHING. It IS everything but it needs us in order to see and be able to fully appreciate everything/itself. It's like, in a sense everyone and everything, we are all the nerve endings of God reporting back. Does this make any sense?

This wave of poignancy rose in me and I let it come. I started crying then choking then sobbing and sat down on the beach leaning over a log looking around in wonder as wave after wave came through. After a while the crying started to turn to laughing halfway through the wave. Then it woud start with one sob and go right into laughter. I'm talking loud laying back can't hardly see laughter. Like looking up and down the beach to see if anyone is around cause this is NUTS laughing. In a way if was like vomiting. There would be a little quiet spell and then here comes another one. I remember wondering how long was this going to last (I mean I can't very well go back to the retreat center in this condition) but gradually it subsided and after a while I got up and moved again. There was a canada goose nearby shaking it's whole body through the water and I thought "that's a good idea" so I stood and shook my body for minute.

Going back to the retreat area I was still the same. Same mind, same body, same identity and all but I felt really good, much lighter, and way less serious about the whole thing and my heart felt open which I realized was something different. The wind was still howling but the rain had stopped. There were some hoola hoops lying on the ground near the bluff that were suddenly irresistable and I grabbed one. It was pretty funny and awkward at first (especially with the wind gusts) but before long I was starting to get the hang of it when a friend happened by and was drawn into game. We tried every goofy trick we could think of until we were quite pooped and it was time for dinner.

So I feel some hesitation or misgivings about sharing this in this way. I mean it's rather personal and for that matter I don't know how much sense it even makes to read. Also I don't want this to be some attempt of my mind or ego to try and somehow claim this experience or own it in some way. Anyway it was certainly nothing I did. It just showed up out of the blue and I thought that it would be something that I would be interested to read about myself and so I thought why not share it? I have heard it expressed that it is better not to share things like this. That you somehow loose something when you do that. I don't have a clear feeling about that right now. Maybe I'll learn more about that later but for now what the heck. It's all an experiment anyway right? So far I have noticed, since I started sharing things here, that I've received a lot back. Also the feeling of open heart I was left with led to a shared experience equally as strong the next day (a gift I wouldn't have been able to receive without first having been opened) so for now I'm leaning toward sharing what can appropriatly be shared.

So this described here is over now and gone. Though I've written it down I'm not going to analize it or try to hold on to it. I just "swallowed" it and I'll let it pass on through the digestive track and do what it does down there (and maybe come out the other end as fertilizer :) which is just my crude way of saying that I really don't pretend to know anything about all of this. Just reporting.